This post will probably be one of the most difficult for me to share and my hope is that those of you who have lost a child will find peace, growth and goodness in one of the most difficult trials. I also hope that those of you who haven’t lost a child will have a deeper compassion for those who have.
My first son, Trent Ray was a much quieter baby during my pregnancy than my girls had been. So I wasn’t too alarmed when I didn’t feel him move one day in my seventh month. But then the second day came and the level of my alarm elevated as he was still not moving. I called my doctor and he sent me to the hospital. They weren’t able to get a heart beat but told me it could just be the position of the baby. (Not something they would say nowdays.) They were ready to send me home but I had a strong feeling I needed to stay at the hospital. About thirty minutes later I was delivering my little stillborn son. So perfect and tiny.
Two years later once again in my seventh month my little boy stopped moving. I went straight to the hospital where an ultrasound was done confirming my baby boy, Bryan Derrell had died. This time labor was induced and after 12 hours of agony both physically and emotionally I delivered my second stillborn son. As I held him I marveled at his delicate and perfect little body.
My last pregnancy was my most difficult. My water broke at two and a half months and I was put on complete bed rest. My doctor informed me that the odds of carrying this baby were not good. I wanted to try anyway. I stayed in bed, drinking lots of paregoric. (Something used to stop contractions in the olden days.) At 7 months I learned I was carrying twins. I was so elated! They said they were boys but I was actually carrying identical girls. Seven weeks before my due date I went into labor and delivered my first daughter Karen Eva through the birth canal then 12 minutes later by emergency cesarean delivered my second daughter. Words can’t express how happy and relieved I was that they were both alive! Three days later Karen died from a strep B infection she picked up in delivery. As I held her still warm little body I felt that apart of me had died too.
I am here on this blog of mine to not only share and lift but also to be real and totally truthful. Losing my three little Angels, (little by little) filled my heart and soul with anguish beyond measure, jealousy, hatred and doubt in all I had hoped to be true.
Over the years I have grown, (once again little by little) from the experience of carrying and having these precious little babies.
Trent taught me to evaluate my life and where I was in my progression. What did I stand for? What goals did I have? What kind of a wife and mother was I? Would I be found good enough to have my son again?
Bryan taught me that I could find answers to any questions about God’s plan for me in the scriptures. As I struggled for understanding and desired for my Heavenly Father to communicate with me and explain to me why I had lost a second child, I found answers and comfort in the scriptures.
Karen taught me how very real Satan is. And how important it is for me to do those things that keep my beliefs and testimony of my Father in Heaven and My Savior strong. After Karen died my doubts, jealousy and hatred grew to the point that I didn’t know what I believed anymore.
Now 35 years later I can honestly say I am grateful for the storms of life, the refining process we all go through. For I would not be the person I am today without these trials. I would not be able to testify to you of the truthfulness of a living and loving Heavenly Father and of our living Elder Brother Jesus Christ who died for each one of us, and who makes it possible for us to be with our loved ones and all the little Angels who have passed on to the other side.
All Lives, No Matter How Short Or Long Have Great Purpose!
(Moroni 8:17) “And I am filled with charity, which is everlasting love; wherefore, all children are alike unto me; wherefore, I love little children with a perfect love; and they are all alike and partakers of salvation.”
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