I was diagnoised in 2016 with PTSD and Complex Trauma. That day was the beginning of understanding why I was an introvert, why I didn’t trust anyone and why I felt trapped.
It is a sickening feeling when you learn for the first time just how serious the things that had happened to you really were. Of course I knew I was different in an introvert kind of way, but I was very ignorant when it came to understanding why I felt the way I did.
Just like addiction recovery, overcoming the effects of abuse is a very long and difficult process which brings with it many days of feeling like it’s too hard and you can’t go on. I am here to testify that You Can Do It! And it is totally worth it!
One of the most difficult steps in this process of healing was learning to TRUST again. That’s when I felt ‘Stuck on the Fence’. As much as I wanted to swing my leg over and jump down to my ‘new beginning’ I just couldn’t seem to do it! My fears of feeling inferior or being hurt again over powered my Faith that I could trust those people who I chose to be apart of my life. Avoiding people as much as possible had become one of my coping skills over the years. It just felt more safe that way. My husband was ‘a people person‘ so in earlier years it worked out well when we attended things together. But now being alone, it became necessary to set boundaries and decide how involved I would be with the people I associated with.
As I worked with my therapist to improve my mental health and perceive the world correctly, I also worked with my church leader to improve my spiritual health. It was very surprising to me how often the suggestions from those two people connected and led me down the same path. My progress did not always go steadily forward. I often slipped backwards having to repeat steps such as reprocessing and redirecting my thoughts. It was at those moments that I wanted to quit and give into the darkness. I thank God everyday for those people who stood by me and encouraged me as I faced barriers and stumbling blocks.
Developing a personal relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior and trusting in their plan for me became a vital part of my healing. I studied the Atonement of Jesus Christ and learned that he had not only suffered for my sins but also for all of my pain and suffering caused by the wrong actions of other people. Christ himself had felt the physical, mental and emotional torment I had experienced.
After four years of intense work and the enabling and healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I felt ready to leap to the other side of the fence. I called it my “leap of faith day.” My therapist called it discovery, which is testing those beliefs I had to see if they were accurate and then draw my own conclusion. I have found most of my fears to be inaccurate. There are good honest people in this world who genuinely care about my well being.
If your thoughts are often clinging to damaging and disturbing beliefs that keep you from enjoying life, you can find healing through Christ’s Atonement and if necessary through professional help. Seeking help is not a weakness but actually just the opposite.
It takes strength to say, “Help Me,” it takes strength to say, “Teach Me,” and it takes strength to say, “Show Me the Way.”
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