Setting Boundaries

This post is for teens and adults who have struggled to feel safe and secure in your relationships. But really anyone can apply these principles in helping to establish healthy relationships. I am here to tell you that settings boundaries can take away those feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty that have a way of damaging self esteem and keeping one from being their true self.

Setting boundaries is a skill that I learned from my therapist while struggling with the effects of abuse and loss. In my youth I had somehow adapted the feeling that I had to please everyone by going along with whatever was asked in order to feel excepted and loved. What a falsehood that was. That belief I had developed, caused me to end up in alot of uncomfortable situations, some of them even dangerous. I eventually became very introvert.

My therapist used the analogy of a house to compare with different relationships and their level of respect and trust. Of course we want to be kind to everyone and some of our relationships are simply very casual, only being aquainted with someone that we see occasionally in passing. Those people most likely remain on the sidewalk in front of our home. We don’t share much about our lives with them. It’s generally just a “Hi, how are you?”

Next there are those who we consider our friends. The depth of that friendship can vary. We may allow some to come through our gate to visit with us on our porch. We share the day to day events going on in our lives, but nothing too personal.

Other friends we may have developed a stronger bond with and we invite them into our living room. We enjoy spending time together and serving and helping each other.

The deepest kind of relationships are those with deep respect and trust. They may be a friend or church leader, a therapist or advisor, a spouse or a family member. We feel accepted and loved unconditionally and feel we can invite them into all the rooms of our home. We can be open and honest with these people. We have a deep love and respect for them. We feel we can share personal things. We know we can trust them to keep confidences. We can voice our opinion even if it is different than theirs without feeling judged.

It is okay and sometimes even necessary to set boundaries. It’s okay to say no. You get to decide who you allow to come through the gate and be involved in your life. You don’t have to go along with the crowd or what everyone else is doing just to fit in or feel excepted. You are unique! You are a child of God! You will feel a burden lifted when you are true to who you really are!

Set boundaries that protect you from harm.

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